The Best Second Date I Ever Had

Getting Back into the Dating Pool, Rather Hottub Part 1

I saw this image the other day in a book while shopping. I sent it to my lover and told him it made me think of him:

An FYI that I know I just jumped timelines - from being broken up with to having a lover. Life is like that.

It was December 2023 and I had taken a week off from work for a staycation. I was ecstatic to be home in the cold, rainy weather - avoiding all holiday travel and plans and being cozy with myself. I was so happy it was damp and rainy, all holiday dinners and plans were being cancelled. I was overjoyed to have a week to myself of going to yoga, getting high, taking baths, making charcuterie boards, masturbating, napping and watching TV.

I remember listening to this Dr. Joe Dispenza interview on Youtube titled, “This keeps 99% of People Single! - FIX THIS TO FIND LOVE” . The title is more douche-y than the content. I really like Dr. Joe. And while I don’t fully remember what he was talking about in this interview - I can recall the context was “act like the person you think you will be when you are in a relationship.”

I remembered watching and listening and being very clear I was not being the Shirley who was in a happy relationship. I was observing a Shirley who was hard on herself, telling herself she was unattractive, and did not see any romantic or sexual prospects on the horizon.

A few weeks before this in therapy, I remember telling my therapist, “I am so tired of having all these fantasies and not trying to make them happen.” I had all types of sexual fantasies that were bubbling over in my 41.5 years old self. Apparently everything about a woman’s sexual peak being in her early 40’s was true. I was more horny than my usual horny. More yearning.

So during that week off, I rejoined the Feeld app. I applied my settings to search for couples (MF) and men. I already had bumble and started getting active on both. I wrote affirmations about how beautiful and attractive I was and placed them on my bathroom mirror. And I would smoke weed, get into the bathtub and listen to affirmations about attracting men, being a beautiful woman, and being magnetic sex.

I can remember the day I matched with Caleb on Bumble.

Caleb was MY TYPE! (And to protect everyone’s identity, I will not give specific details). He was tall, handsome as FUCK, intelligent and we matched! We chatted back and forth and he asked me to meet up for a drink. I asked for us to video chat on the app. I was scared he was a catfish. How have I never seen this man? Will he be my husband? Are the affirmations working? I had to tell myself to slow down and I awaited our Friday morning video chat date time.

I remember going to work out and getting home and jumping in the shower. I had just washed my hair and it was wet and I didn’t have time to put on makeup. I had on a tank top with just enough cleavage showing and a cardigan over it. I got on a few minutes late, and he was there.

I thought to myself, “Wow! He is real and not a catfish”. I played it cool. I giggled a bunch and batted my eyelashes. The conversation was solid and we agreed we would meet up.

A few days later we would meet up for a drink. Again, I was running late. I had not been on a date in a few months. I did not know what to wear. I wanted to look cute but not like I was trying too hard. I wanted him to be attracted. I wondered what if his breath smelled horrible. So many thoughts.

I arrived to meet him. He was there sitting at a table. I walked up to the table and he stood up. I can remember watching him stand up. Felt like slow motion as I watched this tall man with great posture and stand up to greet me. Inside I was screaming to stay cool as I watched every part of my body heat up being in his presence.