Taurus Szn Feels

the legacy of unconditional self love

You don't need a reason to love yourself.

You don't need permission to love yourself as you are right now.

You don't have to wait another minute to love yourself.
You are whole.
You are complete just as you are.
May we not put off loving ourself another moment in our life.
May we instantly let go of all the conditions we have around loving ourself - having a different body, making more money, having a partner, "figuring" our life out.

Life may never be figured out.

Most likely, it will not.

Most likely, it will stay divinely messy.

And what if that is the point of life?

To learn to love and accept ourselves just as we are in the midst of all the mess,
amidst all the reasons we may have learned to withhold love from ourselves.

What if that is the biggest accomplishment?

What if that is our legacy?

To embody unconditional love.

Since that solar eclipse at the end of March, my whole psyche has seemed to turn upside down and inside out. I was heading to NYC to teach in a Kundalini Yoga teacher training that eclipse weekend. Seemed like a good idea to teach that weekend. It would be powerful to practice and be in the Kundalini energy.

As life would have it, the day before I headed to NYC, I was having my own pre-eclipse party in therapy as I encountered an aspect of my inner child I had not met before - the deeply hurt younger part of me. I stumbled upon her and wept. The good news is she felt safe enough to see me. And apparently I was also ready to see and accept her. Her hurt runs deep. The hurt of being a neglected child. If you know, you know.

I went to the bathroom after therapy and I noticed I was spotting on my panties.
Gasp!
I never spot.
Damn was I have some psychosomatic response from my womb so immediately?

Over the next few days I continued to spot.
All the fears going through my head - Am I pregnant? Am I sick? What is wrong?
I wondered if the heart in my uterus had broken and was bleeding.
I had also just started a pretty intense intermittent fasting schedule.
Deep inside I could feel my body was having the perfect response to everything above and the immense amount of pressure I had been putting on myself over the last few weeks.

Eventually my period came full on a week early on that Aries New Moon Eclipse as I sat in all my all white clothes on a sheepskin teaching about chakras and the energy bodies at the Kundalini Yoga Teacher Training.

I was supposed to see my NYC lover, Kevin (will share more about him in the future). I told him I was on my period and expected him to decline from the plans we had. He met me with ease and reassured me that he had been married for 10 years and was unphased by a woman on her period. He did not want me to be in discomfort though, but he would like to see me either way.

I was pleasantly surprised. The response was refreshing. And it felt like balm to this part of me who constantly thinks (or has thought) she needs to do something for people to like her.

Fast forward to the Taurus New Moon last week…
My heart is beginning to open a little. Just a little.
In Traditional Chinese Medicine, it is said that women have 2 hearts - their heart organ and the heart in their uterus. Maybe the spotting was me releasing from my uterine heart.

My heart has been closed.
I cried one day in therapy, “I don’t have it in me to open myself to being hurt right now.”
I was clear. In the past I would have judged myself for having a closed heart. It was starting to make sense to me. Of course I don’t have it in me to open myself to being hurt right now, my inner child is hurting and has been for 40-ish years and that is who I need to be tending to.

However the Taurus New Moon (and maybe getting closer to this hurt inner child and loving her) has whet my appetite to be in a relationship. I am frightened to even say this aloud. I am also curious.

I have been reflecting on how I tend to not feel deserving of the love and relationship I want. I have settled time and time again. I really don’t have interest in doing that again.

The sign of Taurus rules many things - aside from earthiness, sensuality, being in touch with the body - Taurus rules self worth. It rules how we really feel about ourselves. And how our material world and life will reflect that. I have my Sun & Chiron in Taurus. Chiron - the wounded healer placement. Chiron often shows us where our very human wound is and also the path of realizing that where the deepest would is, is where our deepest medicine also is.

For years I did all kinds of rituals - candles lit, offerings, altars, 40 days of chanting something or other, prayer circles, wearing crystals, and the list goes on - to try to bring my partner to me. But here is what I have finally learned. After YEARS of doing things to bring in a partner….

This kind of ritual is often a cover up for a deeper belief of thinking I need to work for love. That I have to do something to bring or get love. (Hello Women Who Loves Too Much !!!) It keeps me in the early pattern I learned with my parents that I need to be a good girl, do something that will make me be worthy of their love and attention. Keeps me entangled in this transactional way of relating that often has nothing to do so much with love but more to do with inner children trying to get what they missed out on as children)

Today in this Taurus season I am writing and reflecting on being deserving of love. Being deserving a kind & brilliant man to partner with. Not because I have suffered. Not because I have made sacrifices or done rituals. Not because of what I look like. Just because. Because I am.

Because I am.

Because that is simply enough.

Because I am enough.