She Hath Risen

Hot Tub Date part 2

Happy Resurrection Sunday!
I am high off of just teaching Kundalini Yoga this afternoon and having an authentic conversation with a woman about to turn 40 on the grief that comes (sometimes) with seeing that your life just is not unfolding the way that a previous version of you thought it was going to.

Ok so back to Caleb.

Caleb is/was MY TYPE.
Our first date lasted at least 2 hours. Our conversation flowed easily. We talked about so much - favorite music (I was relieved when he knew who Hiatus Kaiyote was - should have been enough of a red flag when my ex did not know who that wasy - smh!), epic trips we had been on, local politics, spiritual & religious upbringings.

My inside voice: “Is this your husband??????”
I hear my therapist’s voice, “Come back to the present, Shirley.”
Takes deep breaths…repeat deep breaths over and over again.

I couldn’t help but wonder. Maybe this is the start of something really special? Could he be attracted to me??

He asked to walk me to my car after the date.

I am flattered, inside I hear myself, “This is a good sign…ok is he attracted to me??”

He walks me to my car. We give each other a hug. I honestly cannot believe he is real.

He texts me a few hours later:
”Great to meet you today, loved our conversation.”

Hmmmm, I wonder.

“Loved our conversation”…

I was really wondering if he was physically attracted to me. I could not tell. That week in therapy, I gush to my therapist, “He’s soooooo attractive, would he actually be interested in me?”

Enter my amazing therapist…, “Shirley, how old is that part??” (A question I lovingly ask my therapy patients multiple times a session - hehehe)

Fuck! That is my little girl.
The little ugly duckling girl in me whose mother did not know how to do her hair. The little girl who no one thought was “pretty” and would get made fun of for having hairy arms. That is the little girl who got put on a diet at age 7 (yes 7 years old) and whose body became the object of control of her parents. The little girl who learned to be very self conscious about what she looked like but never felt it was enough.

FUCKKK!

One thing the last 2 year of dating has taught me is KEEP MY INNER CHILD out of my adult dating biz.

First off, my adult sexcapades are not appropriate for my inner child.
Second off, she deserves to be a child. And being in relationship with a grown adult does not permit that.
Three, in order for me to get my adult needs met, my adult self needs to be in the driver’s seat of my dating life.
Note: IS THIS A TOPIC YOU WANT ME TO WRITE MORE ON??

So I was going to have to soothe and spend time with my inner child because being with an attractive man really could trigger me back to thinking I wasn’t THAT GIRL!

Caleb and I talked on the phone and texted that week. We were talking about spas, and the theme of clothing optional destinations came up. He was intrigued that I had done this before and was pretty casual about it. I could feel a bit more that he was physically attracted to me. I was also more in my adult self and seeing my adult hotness so maybe I was also attuned to my own attractiveness.

Later Caleb texted me: Maybe a hottub date soon?
(He looked up appointments and saw it was pretty booked out)
Me: I actually am going this Friday. It’s in the middle of the day, but would you want to come?
OH SHIT. Did I really just invite him to come to a hottub with me? Are we about to be naked together? What am I doing? Will my therapist judge me? Am I a bird?
Caleb: What time?
Me: 3pm
No way he can come - that is workday time! Hahah, at least it is amusing to me that I asked. I am doing this dating thing differently.
Caleb: Yes I think I can make that work actually, I will let you know tomorrow.

My heart was racing. I was exhilarated actually doing what I wanted and not playing by any rules. Would he really come though?

I hear my therapist’s voice, “Come back to the present, Shirley.”
Takes deep breaths…repeat deep breaths over and over again.