Learning to Let Go.

Being Ready to Receive More.

I have finished meditation, writing my morning pages, making a beautiful rose cacao. I am savoring this early time of day and space to sit here and write from a place of authentic expression and not just from the pressure of having another online platform to maintain. I want to listen to “Headed in the Right Direction” by India Aire. I load up the song as I sit to write this post.

“Headed in the right direction
I can see the light of the day”
(India Aire)

My birthday was last week. I turned 43. Right before my birthday, I spent 2 weeks questioning if I even deserved to be alive. The pre-birthday blues - are you familiar with it? I told my friends I was in a pre-birthday pity party.

Another year alive and nothing to show for it. Of course, nothing meaning by the matrix standards of what makes an adult valuable. Nothing meaning no husband, no children, and no fancy job title that requires a headshot that makes me look like I have it all together. Another year of not having it all together. Another year of being fully human. Somehow my mind translates that into nothing.

The grief that comes with rebirthing was present. The grief that comes before the change occurs on the material realm because the vibration has already shifted. Friends asked me what I wanted to do and I scurried away from the question. Even though I desperately wanted to be and feel loved and celebrated, I was in my narrative that I needed a reason to be deserving of this love and celebration.

It is a familiar narrative. One that probably was rooted in my early childhood. A narrative that would help a small child make sense of the chaos around her and help her developing brain make sense out of why she was being neglected. I learned to be hard on myself and identify my wants and needs as the issue. And therefore come up with a game of sorts. When I was very perfect and good, I was deserving of my needs - otherwise I was not and would need to work harder. The thing about this game is that it often meant I was just working harder because I set standards that were rarely met. But at least I thought I knew why I seemed to be unlovable and I knew that I could do something to make myself more lovable. [ Of course we cannot make ourselves lovable. We are lovable because we exist. But many children who are neglected or abused in some ways learn to create a narrative to help them cope with their unmet needs. The narrative becomes a distraction from feeling what would be overwhelming sadness and despair. Instead, the narrative helps the child have something to do. Something that will give them the false sense of agency and control, that if they work hard enough that their unmet needs will be met. Because it it too terrifying to the child psyche to accept and see that they have adult care-givers who simply are unable to provide these needs to them.]

I honored this part of me. I did a lot of honoring of the adolescent part of me who what showing up. This inner 14 year old who was so depressed and felt hopeless about life getting better. I honored her and the grief that was coming from seeing how long I had been telling myself this narrative. A friend asked me if I just wanted to be alone. I blurted out NO! I did not want to pretend I did not have this need for love, connection and celebration. No matter what milestones I was or was not hitting. I still had these needs.

So I put together a happy hour and sent the invite to a bunch of friends. Keep it casual. No reservations or strict time. People could come and go as they wanted. And you know what - it was so sweet! Some people brought their partners, some brought their children and babies. I was overwhelmed with flowers, love and beautiful human beings. A friend drove me home and we drank rose tea and talked about relationships and sex to seal up the day.

I went to bed in deep gratitude. I truly felt a quantum leap occurring as I confessed to my friends my desire to practice being more needy with them and to lean into their love more. I felt a safety I had not felt much before. I felt safe to have needs, express them, and not be chastised because of them.

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I woke up the next morning with my cup still overflowing with gratitude. The sun was shining, and I decided to go outside and get my 10K steps in. As I was walking and listening to Dr. Joe Dispenza - I spotted my lover (the guy from the hottub, Caleb) walking with a woman.

I froze but quickly scurried before he could see me. I could feel my heart pounding. I did not want to walk by them and freeze up or have him see me freeze. They walked by sipping their coffees as she seemed to talk animatedly. I chose to walk behind them 100 steps. That way I knew I would not cross them again, and also so that I could check out the vibes between them.

I walked and observed. Honestly the energy looked dry between them, but I was also pretty sure this must be his girlfriend. Eventually we trailed off to different directions. I heard the familiar voice in me wanting to beat myself up, “why doesn’t he want me?? whats wrong with me? would he like me if I lost weight?”

I breathed. The good news was that I was still feeling so loved up by my friends and actively able to connect to that in my cellular memory that I was able to affirm how lovable I am. I got to the point where I realized seeing them together was not a reflection of how unlovable or unattractive I was. Seeing them together was The Universe and my Spirit bringing me this clearly.

I was seeing this because I was ready to see myself actually. I was seeing that I was outgrowing our lovership. I wanted more. 18 months of divine and hot sex at least once a week. I wanted more.

“I’ve got love as my connection.
There’s an angel showing me the way.”
India Aire