Dear Shirley,
My Ex Moved on Quickly...
Dear Shirley,
So. My ex did the unthinkable. Not only did he move on quickly, introducing this new woman to his family. He also introduced her to our daughter without talking to me. Whew! I COULD PUNCH HIM IN THE NOSE. Instead I chose silence.I didn’t call him crashing out. Nothing. Just silence. My daughter is the one who told me. How do I move on from this already! I want to date and actually like the people I’m dating. I gotta get this ex out of my system. I’d like to meet my husband.
Dear Did Not Crash Out,
First of all, I am sending you so much compassion.
This sounds tough.
It sounds like your ex introducing the new woman in his life to his family and his daughter really hurt you. First I want to speak to the hurt part of you. Are you hurt by this?
If so, I want to focus on that part first. Because she is who needs your love and kindness. She needs you more than your ex needs you to crash out on him. I want you to give that part of you a hug and be really soft and gentle with her. I want you to tell her its okay to sob and cry. I want to sit with her while she sobs and cries and not judge her for a single thing. I hope you have a good friend who can hold you while you cry.
Because sometimes all there is to do is to grieve. Sometimes all there is to do is weep.
Next…I hear that you want to date! I hear that you want to get the ex out of your system.
Respectfully, it sounds like he is still in your system. So can you honor where you are at right now? Perhaps angry? Betrayed? Regretful? Those feelings must be felt to get “him” out of your system. And unfortunately, he is not responsible to be present or privy to this process. But the good news is that he does not have to be.
If you want to date, date! But real talk, if you have a fantasy that dating or another man is going to make whatever pain, hurt, anger you have now go away. So if the fantasy is that “Once I have a man, I wont feel this way”… hate to break it to you - but that is unlikely to make these feelings go away.
Also sounds like you’re angry because there was a boundary crossed. I am imagining the boundary is introducing another woman to your shared daughter. Maybe there is room to talk about shared agreements and boundaries with each other around this topic. It sounds premature (from the tone of your inquiry) that he introduced another woman to your child. However, he is showing you is maturity level and it seems that clear communication and/or VERY clear boundaries will be an ally to you in navigating co-parenting with him.
I am imagining a grief ritual. Getting really vulnerable with yourself about what you hoped for with him. What you wanted co-parenting to be like. And honor the part of you that is grieving for what she did not get. Honor the part of you (maybe inner child?) that misses him.
Be gentle with yourself while you get over him. Not sure how long it has been since you have been separated, but getting over our exes can take time. I saw my ex of 2 years the other day and I crossed the street because I was not in the mood or mindspace to have any interaction. It’s human.
I hope you can be patient with yourself.
I hope you can bring you and your heart to the center of your attention and give to you the energy that may feel tempting to give to him.
Thank you for writing in.
xoxo,
Shirley
What do you all think??