Dear Shirley,
I'm in my early 40s have only slept with 1 person...
Dear Shirley,
I’m in my early 40s and have only slept with 1 person - the ex I'm freshly divorced from. I want to start dating again, but I’m embarrassed about my lack of ‘experience’ and don’t know how to bring it up with someone without feeling scared or ashamed. Any advice on how to navigate this?
Thank you!
Dear Freshly Divorced & Wanting to Date,
First off, I want to start by acknowledging you being recently divorced and wanting to start dating again. I feel excitement for you on starting this new chapter in your life.
Secondly, I want to be clear that sexual partners amount does not necessarily equate with sexual experience. Some people have few sexual partners but have had more sex with each of them explored a variety of sexual desires with the few. Others have many sexual partners and have had one dissatisfying encounter with each. All that to say, having only slept with your ex does not necessarily mean you lack “experience”. So I am curious (and if you would like to write in again, please do!) about what your sex life was like with your ex.
I imagine that sex was not deeply satisfying with your ex. Just a guess from a couples therapist as sex continues to be a contention point for many couples!
In which case, what an exciting moment. I felt like I accessed a whole new spectrum of my sexuality once I turned 40. I was clear on what I desired and ready to get it (hence the birth of this substack), and quite horny. So that being said, I don’t think you have anything to feel scared or ashamed about around disclosing that you have had one partner. I can imagine some people really being turned on by that.
What I do imagine you may get to practice is disclosing what you want sexually in a way that you may or may not have practice doing even with your ex. So… how do you feel about telling someone you date exactly what you want? Do you know what you want sexually? (Whether it be to generally explore or learn shibari)
Unfortunately my hunch is most adults don’t have experience with good sex. People will risk a lot ot have hot sex. So the person you would possibly be scared to share with may be just as scared to share with you.
My hot take - FANTASIZE and see what turns you on. Go walk around a sex shop and notice where you have curiosity. In general, slow down so that you can notice when you do feel turned on and aroused and note what does it for you. Learn yourself and your expanding sexuality.
THERE IS SO MUCH MORE TO SEX THAN “EXPERIENCE” WITH A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PARTNERS! There are so many people who have gotten their sex education and moves from porn and perform sex from what they have watched and think is good sex or sexy. I have found that good sex comes from being present in my body, able to clearly communicate my needs and boundaries, and being able to slow all the way down and fully immerse into the sexual experience.
Continuing to build intimacy with yourself and your body, slow down, and give yourself permission to pleasure yourself without abandon will give you all the experience you need.
Thank you for writing in.
xoxo,
Shirley