can we all just stop trying to biohack ourselves into a fantasy of perfection?

Part 1:

My period is 16 days late. I have not had unprotected sex. Two negative pregnancy tests because there is still a slight chance of pregnancy with condoms.

My mind is running wild thinking of all the ways one could unknowingly get pregnant while using condoms. I consult with TikTok and see all the suggestions on inducing period - vitamin C, ginger, mugwort and all the stories about women who did not know they were pregnant until 3 months into their pregnancy. Not really what I need in the moment, but that is where my mind is going.

I am worried. I actually miss my period. I miss bleeding and the somatic release that comes with menses. I feel I am on my period but there is not blood. I feel stuck. Stuck in luteal purgatory where some part of me just cannot fully let go. I feel my womb is tight.

YARROW
MUGWORT
RUE

Tea, Baths, Yoni Steams. My first response to my period being late. But I also remember my herbalism teachers’ voice reminding me that the plants don’t just do what we want the them to do when they do and that plants are not just a quick fix to an issue that has probably been percolating for longer than the symptoms have been present. Plants are part of a lifestyle, a devotion, a way of embodied living. They require relationship. While I love yarrow, mugwort and rue - they are not the plants I am in the most intimate relationship on a daily basis. I do the steams and teas. I fill my home with the smell of rosemary. And I return to drinking a quart of nettles which is a plant I commune with mostly daily.

I tell my friends and I am met with suggestions on what to do.

Go take a walk
Acupuncture
Consult with Doctor
Yoni Steam

I feel like doing is what got me here in the first place.

OK REAL QUESTION…how are other middle aged women doing it all?

• Working

• Cooking (and meal prepping)

• Getting 30 grams of protein daily

• Walking 10K steps a day

• Strength training 2-3x week

• Meditating daily

• Keeping up their social media presence

• Maintaining relationships with loved ones

• Doing nightly skincare routines

• Keeping their house clean!

• Doing laundry

• Making sure you wash your hair

• Doing inner child work

• And looking cute, visioning the next part of your job, staying on top of saving money, investing, paying taxes, and contributing to your IRA, being stylish and having fun

• And having sex regularly????????

Like seriously how are you doing it? And for those that have children…I cannot imagine. Like seriouusly I cannot imagne.

I have been trying (and simultaneously failing) at trying to do it all - intermittent fast, walk 10k steps daily, maintain friendships, do my healing work, wash my hair every 3 days so it doesnt dreadlock, keep my home kinda clean, stay on top of laundry, expand my business, pay bills, catch up on taxes….and do my skincare everynight. How could I even have a deep loving intimate relationship with a man?? Where is the time?

I told my therapist today how much pressure it all is. And no one is putting the pressure on me except for myself…and Instagram - which everytime I open it is trying to market GLP-1 medications to me because what I need is another thing to do/medication to maintain to try to create a version of myself that I think will give me permission to enjoy my life.

More things to do…

Biohack my life away because clearly some expert out there (on social media) knows exactly what I need “to-do”.

The truth is I get very scared about what will happen if I don’t try to keep up with all of this. I am terrified I will gain massive amounts of weight, be very repulsive, my whole life will fall apart and I will end up homeless and alone. Life is to be managed, not lived. The body is to be managed, not listened to.

Right?????

I am being sarcastic. But this is the subtext of what I learned and am reprogramming. And I am stubborn! And I am terrified. But seriously all the things to do and keep up with just so that others’ think we are superhuman and attractive. (or so we think)

It’s too much.

I am tired.

I am tired of adding things to-do onto my list because I am impatient and don’t want to slow down and listen to myself.

I am exhausted by my addiction to efforting.

Efforting to be some version of myself who I think is more lovable yet simultaneously doesn’t exist. While the version of me today suffers because I have a hard time just being gentle with this sacred and precious body of mine who has survived life pretty brilliantly thus far.

I don’t believe in perfection. But I still think it is a possibility…IF I work and effort hard enough.

I am in luteal purgatory. This term makes me laugh.

This is life.

MYSTERIOUS!

The womb is mysterious. Life works in mysterious ways.

I remember and relieved by the mystery of it all and the respite of not having to figure anything out for this moment.